…

Not much to say these days….
not much happens.

I sleep…I work..I read…I sleep again…
There are brief moments of light, when I get to talk to Tessa again…or when I am inspired enough to work on some music, but other than that……there’s pretty much nothing.

I rearranged the lounge room a bit on Monday….with some help from the little one…and it looks quite a lot less forlorn now than it did. But I’m not sure it really matters…I hardly spend any time in there now.

Overall I don’t think I’m coping too badly; There have been couple of days when it has been bad enough to bring on nausea and dizzynes, but only if I let myself get too drawn into a morbid exploration of “what ifs”….mostly, it’s just a constant dull ache and a feeling of pointlessness.

I’m constantly aware that there is a part of me missing….a vital, irreplaceable part.
You can’t live with someone for 4 years without it having some effect on you.
Every part of your life is influenced in some way – their goals become your goals, their friends become your friends, their tastes become yours (to a certain extent anyway :P).
I don’t know…I guess that my main goal in life, was..IS…to be the foundation from which Tessa can reach her goals….to be her support and encouragement, and give her everything I could to let her get to where she wanted to be.

I just didn’t think that where she wanted to be was without me….
Though in reality, that’s being a little melodramatic…..it’s not about being with me or without me…it’s about having her own life, and making her own decisions, and dealing with her own problems…and I understand that – at least academically – and I support her in it, even though every part of me wishes that it didn’t have to be this way.

hmm……my mood has improved quite significantly since I started this post..as I’ve had my daily chat with her in the mean time… so I’m not sure if I can finish it now…I’m not even sure what I was trying to say :P
But for some reason it feels wrong to delete it, so I’m gonna let it stand…..so much for nothing to say.